June 8th and the Doctor's appointment

June 8th, 2009 is the day we lost out son. This year June 8th, 2011 will be the second anniversary of his passing. It was also a doctor's appointment for our youngest.
After doing everything in the world to prevent myself from leaving the house this year, I did have to venture out. We have the same OB as last time and although she is very kind she had forgotten what day Matthew had died. I'm not sure if the info is in my chart but I can't blame her; I have a thick chart and she has many patients.
It was a bit or a relief to hear his heart beat strongly on that day. I'm almost glad I went in.
Perhaps God was holding my hand this year and just wanted to show me everything is ok.

The Birthing Process is Scary as Hell

I was on a Preemie board thread where some of the women were talking about their deliveries. None of the stories seem to come close to what I felt. They all talk about oh it hurt but it was fine. How although their kids were preemie and in bad shape everything is rainbows and sunshine now. I must be a negative person; here is my response to the thread.

Wow, it amazes me some of you counted how many pushes.
Had twins at 30w2d. My son had gone to heaven 15 days earlier and was the first to deliver.
I was admitted to the Hospital at 29 weeks and given my second round of Mag (first was at 28w). Contractions were steady at 3min. Was on and off Mag so much during those days I felt like crap. Complete bed rest. Physical therapy for my legs, catheters, no walking to the shower, etc.
12 hours before delivery they took me off Mag. 6 hours before they started pitosin. At 1250 I delivered DS au naturale. At 1440 I delivered DD again au naturale. I was in pain, scared, hubby was too much concerned about me breaking his hand to help, and it was quite possibly the worst day of my life.

If someone that has had preemies tells you everything was fine, and that day you feel scared and confused, that is normal. I don't remember one day that whole first year that I wasn't scared to death something would happen to my girl.

The scariest thing in the world can be a new baby...

For first time parents the scariest thing can be the anticipation of a new child. This same fear grips even those of us that have older children.

We are expecting a new child this year. This new little one, or Rainbow Baby, is expected to come on the exact date the twins were due 2 years ago. If we could have planned this accidental pregnancy, I would have picked any other day. Having a child due on the exact same day as a your preemie and angel is really nerve wracking.

We're trying not to compare this new baby to our other babies or it will be too hard but because the weeks match up exactly, it is hard not to. We know that it will be a sad and joyous day when we make it past June 8th. We will rejoice if we make it past 30weeks this time. But the shadow of our angel hangs heavy this year.

Matthew please watch over your new brother or sister and help them make it to mommy and daddy's arms.