Healthy Happy Family... Well happy at least

I've been so busy with church and kids I haven't posted in almost 9 months! Scandalous! The kiddos are doing fairly well with a few minor kinks along the way. Our preemie (now 3 years old!) is on some antacids for reflux. We knew this would probably happen some day due to her prematurity. It appears to be under control and the Doc is keeping a close eye on her symptoms to make sure she isn't over or under medicated.

Our Baby J is now 15 months! How did that happen!? This poor kid is having some fairly concerning issues with allergies and has been referred to an allergist. Our first appointment is Monday. We hope they can pinpoint the cause of his allergies and it will help clear up his eczema and constantly runny nose. Poor tyke.

That's all I have.

Night.

It's time to walk again!

Our lovely daughter is 32 months old! That's 2 years and 8 months older than she should be.

Our daughter was born extremely small at 30 weeks weighing only 3lbs 6oz. Without necessary medical intervention she would not be here today. Most of the medical procedures she had were because of research from March of Dimes and wonderful Medical Professionals!

We will always be thankful to the doctor we had and the wonderful medical team that helped out tiny little girl survive.

We will March this year in honor of our first son, Matthew, who did not make it, for our daughter who did survive against all odds, and our second son who was also early but born very healthy.

Why didn't I do this?

I wish I had done this with my son. I know the circumstances are different but now I feel guilty.

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Baby J has arrived!

Our newest member made it safe and sound on August 26, 3 weeks early! Due to complications labor had to be induced but everything has turned out fine and mommy and baby are ok. He is having some small problems with breathing so we aren't completely out of the woods yet but we are very relieved that he got here at all.

He was 6lb 11oz, 20in, and only sayed in the hospital 4 days!

Check back for updates about J and the rest of the family!

The second birthday!

Our twins had their 2nd birthday last week! I was so happy! Only 7 people showed up but that was ok. I really hadn't planned on many people showing up since it was the 2nd birthday.
Our little girl had so much fun at her party yesterday. She has added new clothes, a trike, and a mechanical puppy to the list of things mommy must clean up each night. She loved the cake and kept sticking her fingers in the icing. It wasn't such a big deal either since there were very few guests and I could easily cut around those pieces.
She is happy and excited about her new toys. Yay!
We still miss our little boy and I wish he could have been there with us. His birthday present was a pretty green carnation (daddy's favorite color).

Mother Nature is Taunting Me

I almost flipped out when Dr was searching for the HB at week 14. I pointed to where I thought little guy was and said check here. Bam there he was. But I'm freaking out because this one is due so freakin close to where the others were due and it's a boy.

I think I'd feel safer if it was a girl. It's like mother Nature is taunting me saying, "Here don't screw it up again." You can tell me, "It isn't your fault," or "you did nothin wrong." Riiight. I carried the baby. I lost the baby.

It isn't like I have something that I can point to and say, "Oh that happened." I didn't fall. I didn't get into a car wreck. No one hit me. His cord had a blood clot. That is all they could tell me. The exact words were, "we think there was a clot in his cord." Think and know are quite different in my book. So no one can really tell me what happened. No one knows.

I hope June 8th passes quickly.

The Birthing Process is Scary as Hell

I was on a Preemie board thread where some of the women were talking about their deliveries. None of the stories seem to come close to what I felt. They all talk about oh it hurt but it was fine. How although their kids were preemie and in bad shape everything is rainbows and sunshine now. I must be a negative person; here is my response to the thread.

Wow, it amazes me some of you counted how many pushes.
Had twins at 30w2d. My son had gone to heaven 15 days earlier and was the first to deliver.
I was admitted to the Hospital at 29 weeks and given my second round of Mag (first was at 28w). Contractions were steady at 3min. Was on and off Mag so much during those days I felt like crap. Complete bed rest. Physical therapy for my legs, catheters, no walking to the shower, etc.
12 hours before delivery they took me off Mag. 6 hours before they started pitosin. At 1250 I delivered DS au naturale. At 1440 I delivered DD again au naturale. I was in pain, scared, hubby was too much concerned about me breaking his hand to help, and it was quite possibly the worst day of my life.

If someone that has had preemies tells you everything was fine, and that day you feel scared and confused, that is normal. I don't remember one day that whole first year that I wasn't scared to death something would happen to my girl.

The scariest thing in the world can be a new baby...

For first time parents the scariest thing can be the anticipation of a new child. This same fear grips even those of us that have older children.

We are expecting a new child this year. This new little one, or Rainbow Baby, is expected to come on the exact date the twins were due 2 years ago. If we could have planned this accidental pregnancy, I would have picked any other day. Having a child due on the exact same day as a your preemie and angel is really nerve wracking.

We're trying not to compare this new baby to our other babies or it will be too hard but because the weeks match up exactly, it is hard not to. We know that it will be a sad and joyous day when we make it past June 8th. We will rejoice if we make it past 30weeks this time. But the shadow of our angel hangs heavy this year.

Matthew please watch over your new brother or sister and help them make it to mommy and daddy's arms.

Empire State Building Lights Purple for Prematurity Awareness

Photo: Empire State Building lights the NYC skyline purple on Prematurity Awareness Day, Nov. 17, 2010. PHOTO CREDIT: Photo by Karl Wint.



NEW YORK, NOV. 1, 2010 -- The Empire State Building will light purple on Wednesday, November 17, in recognition of the March of Dimes 8th Annual Prematurity Awareness Day. During November, Prematurity Awareness Month, March of Dimes focuses the nation’s attention on the serious crisis of premature birth (birth before 37 completed weeks of pregnancy). A special Web site – www.marchofdimes.com/fight – includes the 2010 state-by-state and national Premature Birth Report Cards, information on the importance of the last weeks of pregnancy, and ways you can help premature babies.



The March of Dimes is the leading nonprofit organization for pregnancy and baby health. With chapters nationwide and its premier event, March for Babies®, the March of Dimes works to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. For the latest resources and information, http://www.marchofdimes.com/ or http://www.nacersano.org/. Find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

The poet Frost

Two poems always come to me when I think of the loss of my son. One you may already know the other is much less known and has very little literature written about it. Both poems were written by Robert Frost, and though his poetry is beautiful and much of it touches me it is these two poems that stand out in my mind when I think of my Matthew.

Of course when one thinks of Frost "The Road Not Taken" is always the first to mind. Easily his most famous poem, it does represent a parting of paths that could be associated with death but this is not the poem that come to me. Neither is "Birches" which talks of climbing "toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more" (56) it speaks of purity of snow covered birches which bend and fall from the heavy winter's ice. "Good Hours" is another favorite. To someone who has lost it can be a comfort. Another is the "Mending Wall" which talks of neighbors.

No, none of these are the ones I think of when I think of Matthew. My little baby has but two poems, one speaks of loss the other the loss of innocence.

For those who have seen or read "The Outsiders" this first poem will be familiar.

Nothing Gold Can Stay


Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.




This second poem will be unfamiliar, perhaps, even to those who study literature.
Stars

How countlessly they congregate
    O'er our tumultuous snow,
Which flows in shapes as tall as trees
    When wintry winds do blow!--

As if with keenness for our fate,
    Our faltering few steps on
To white rest, and a place of rest
    Invisible at dawn,--

And yet with neither love nor hate,
    Those stars like some snow-white
Minerva's snow-white marble eyes
    Without the gift of sight.


Perhaps my little girl will be a swinger of birches. As for her brother he is a little golden star.

The radio kills me...

There are so many beautiful songs on the radio. Every now and again I will hear a song that strikes a chord with me. These songs make me start to cry and remember my baby boy that I miss so much.

It doesn't even have to be a sad song for it to happen. I've had so many times that I've pulled over just to cry, it feels like it will never get better. All I can do though is just wait for it to pass.

Matthew I love you so much. I miss you every day baby boy.

I never...

I never got to cut his hair
to tie his shoes
or change his clothes.

His little feet will never walk,
never jump,
and never climb.

But I'll remember him every day,
every month,
every year and never, never forget.

What little time we had together,
I heard his heart
beat light as a feather.

I felt his kicks against my side.
I know
he 's there, my boy, my pride.

I Never... Copyright Andrea Lewis 2010

It's hard.

It's hard to go to work, go visit friends, even play with my little girl. It doesn't get easier. At least not so far.

When someone says I'm sorry for your loss, after learning what happened, I cry. I can't help it.

I don't generally like to talk about it but I want people to know he existed. I don't want him to be forgotten.

So I open old wounds by constantly reminding people that yes, my little girl does have a brother, I have 2 wonderful children, and oneis an adorable angel boy.

Run rewitten

I'll sing this one last time for you
But then we really have to part
You've been the only thing that I've done right
In all my life

And I can barely think of you
But every single time I do
I know you're in a better place
Away from here

Rise up rise up
As if you had a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be praying for you dear.

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To have more time on Earth with you

To know I cannot see your eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Louder louder
I'll never hear you call
And I can hardly speak about this all
I miss you more and more each day

My heart, My dear,
Is hurt and I'm afraid
I can't believe you've really gone away
Leaving behind only tears

This Blog

This is a blog about my baby son. He never made it to this world but his twin sister did. I miss him and love him. I will always love my baby boy.

My son's name is Matthew.

Some of these posts were written in a different place originally. Posts that are from a different site I will be putting the original post date on.

A Cake for My Little One

I posted earlier about how to address the birthday card for my babies first birthday. Now I have to plan a cake. I thought of doing two small cupcakes but I would feel guilty letting his sister eat his cake and I don't just want it to sit there and go to waste.

So how does everyone like this idea?



http://ww30.1800flowers.com/product.do?baseCode=17731&dataset=10313&cm_cid=d10313

I thought of maybe changing some of the flowers to blue or doing this one.

How to Address the Card

My baby girl will be one at the end of this month. I should have 2 one year olds running around but her older twin brother was stillborn. I don't know how to address the birthday card. It has a spot that says "You are Invited to: __________'s Party!" But I don't know if I should put both names or just one.

I'm afraid that if I put both no one will come and I don't want to ruin my babies' first birthday.

Help...

Don't know what to do...

I talked with hubby a few weeks ago about what we would name future babies if we have any. He said if we have another boy he wants to give him the same name as our first son. He thinks it would Honor our son to name another child after him. I think it would feel like I tried to replace him.

Am I overreacting?

I feel ridiculous.

I feel ridiculous. I had a family game night with just the hubby and me. We started with scrabble and moved on to the game of life. As fate would have it I landed on the "Twins" space which was always my favorite space growing up. I just loved adding the two little blue and pink pegs to the silly plastic car. Even as a child I wanted boy/girl twins when I grew up.

So when I landed on the space I almost started crying. It's a game and it can bring me to tears with one little spin of the wheel.

Stupid game...

Things I regret...

When we found out Matthew was in trouble at 27 weeks we didn't know why we just knew he hadn't grown since week 23. We were sent to a larger hospital for more testing. They couldn't figure out what was wrong either. One of the Dr's told us that if anything else happened it would be best to "act in the interest of the healthy twin". We were so angry at these words.

We didn't do anything. We couldn't decide on what to do. At 28 weeks My little boy passed.

I wish I had had the courage to demand a c-section that could have saved his life. We found out later that he died of multiple blood clots in his cord. We could have saved him and we did nothing. I feel horrible that I did nothing to fight for my child.