Mother Nature is Taunting Me

I almost flipped out when Dr was searching for the HB at week 14. I pointed to where I thought little guy was and said check here. Bam there he was. But I'm freaking out because this one is due so freakin close to where the others were due and it's a boy.

I think I'd feel safer if it was a girl. It's like mother Nature is taunting me saying, "Here don't screw it up again." You can tell me, "It isn't your fault," or "you did nothin wrong." Riiight. I carried the baby. I lost the baby.

It isn't like I have something that I can point to and say, "Oh that happened." I didn't fall. I didn't get into a car wreck. No one hit me. His cord had a blood clot. That is all they could tell me. The exact words were, "we think there was a clot in his cord." Think and know are quite different in my book. So no one can really tell me what happened. No one knows.

I hope June 8th passes quickly.

The Birthing Process is Scary as Hell

I was on a Preemie board thread where some of the women were talking about their deliveries. None of the stories seem to come close to what I felt. They all talk about oh it hurt but it was fine. How although their kids were preemie and in bad shape everything is rainbows and sunshine now. I must be a negative person; here is my response to the thread.

Wow, it amazes me some of you counted how many pushes.
Had twins at 30w2d. My son had gone to heaven 15 days earlier and was the first to deliver.
I was admitted to the Hospital at 29 weeks and given my second round of Mag (first was at 28w). Contractions were steady at 3min. Was on and off Mag so much during those days I felt like crap. Complete bed rest. Physical therapy for my legs, catheters, no walking to the shower, etc.
12 hours before delivery they took me off Mag. 6 hours before they started pitosin. At 1250 I delivered DS au naturale. At 1440 I delivered DD again au naturale. I was in pain, scared, hubby was too much concerned about me breaking his hand to help, and it was quite possibly the worst day of my life.

If someone that has had preemies tells you everything was fine, and that day you feel scared and confused, that is normal. I don't remember one day that whole first year that I wasn't scared to death something would happen to my girl.

HIgh Risk is Scary

We have a telemed program here to connect my doctor to the doctors at the children's hospital 5 hours away. Last pregnancy we had about 5 appointments with them because of what happened.

Last week I got the notice in the mail for an appointment on the 11th. No one told me. I just don't know what to think

The scariest thing in the world can be a new baby...

For first time parents the scariest thing can be the anticipation of a new child. This same fear grips even those of us that have older children.

We are expecting a new child this year. This new little one, or Rainbow Baby, is expected to come on the exact date the twins were due 2 years ago. If we could have planned this accidental pregnancy, I would have picked any other day. Having a child due on the exact same day as a your preemie and angel is really nerve wracking.

We're trying not to compare this new baby to our other babies or it will be too hard but because the weeks match up exactly, it is hard not to. We know that it will be a sad and joyous day when we make it past June 8th. We will rejoice if we make it past 30weeks this time. But the shadow of our angel hangs heavy this year.

Matthew please watch over your new brother or sister and help them make it to mommy and daddy's arms.

Empire State Building Lights Purple for Prematurity Awareness

Photo: Empire State Building lights the NYC skyline purple on Prematurity Awareness Day, Nov. 17, 2010. PHOTO CREDIT: Photo by Karl Wint.



NEW YORK, NOV. 1, 2010 -- The Empire State Building will light purple on Wednesday, November 17, in recognition of the March of Dimes 8th Annual Prematurity Awareness Day. During November, Prematurity Awareness Month, March of Dimes focuses the nation’s attention on the serious crisis of premature birth (birth before 37 completed weeks of pregnancy). A special Web site – www.marchofdimes.com/fight – includes the 2010 state-by-state and national Premature Birth Report Cards, information on the importance of the last weeks of pregnancy, and ways you can help premature babies.



The March of Dimes is the leading nonprofit organization for pregnancy and baby health. With chapters nationwide and its premier event, March for Babies®, the March of Dimes works to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. For the latest resources and information, http://www.marchofdimes.com/ or http://www.nacersano.org/. Find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

The poet Frost

Two poems always come to me when I think of the loss of my son. One you may already know the other is much less known and has very little literature written about it. Both poems were written by Robert Frost, and though his poetry is beautiful and much of it touches me it is these two poems that stand out in my mind when I think of my Matthew.

Of course when one thinks of Frost "The Road Not Taken" is always the first to mind. Easily his most famous poem, it does represent a parting of paths that could be associated with death but this is not the poem that come to me. Neither is "Birches" which talks of climbing "toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more" (56) it speaks of purity of snow covered birches which bend and fall from the heavy winter's ice. "Good Hours" is another favorite. To someone who has lost it can be a comfort. Another is the "Mending Wall" which talks of neighbors.

No, none of these are the ones I think of when I think of Matthew. My little baby has but two poems, one speaks of loss the other the loss of innocence.

For those who have seen or read "The Outsiders" this first poem will be familiar.

Nothing Gold Can Stay


Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.




This second poem will be unfamiliar, perhaps, even to those who study literature.
Stars

How countlessly they congregate
    O'er our tumultuous snow,
Which flows in shapes as tall as trees
    When wintry winds do blow!--

As if with keenness for our fate,
    Our faltering few steps on
To white rest, and a place of rest
    Invisible at dawn,--

And yet with neither love nor hate,
    Those stars like some snow-white
Minerva's snow-white marble eyes
    Without the gift of sight.


Perhaps my little girl will be a swinger of birches. As for her brother he is a little golden star.

The radio kills me...

There are so many beautiful songs on the radio. Every now and again I will hear a song that strikes a chord with me. These songs make me start to cry and remember my baby boy that I miss so much.

It doesn't even have to be a sad song for it to happen. I've had so many times that I've pulled over just to cry, it feels like it will never get better. All I can do though is just wait for it to pass.

Matthew I love you so much. I miss you every day baby boy.