St Francis

I just keep repeting this over and again to myself. So far it's helping me with the holidays. My baby boy should be 6 months old now.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

It's easier to remember with the music.

Ornament for my baby boy..

I want to get an ornament for my son this Christmas. He should have been 6 months now.

Here is what I was thinking of:

http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/Broken-Chain-Ornament.aspx

What do you think?

Found a great song

I don't want to make anyone cry but I was listening to my CDs and the lyrics of this just struck me. I guess because it's winter time. This helps me muster the strength to make it through the Christmas Season.

Better in Time - Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'mma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time

I feel ridiculous.

I feel ridiculous. I had a family game night with just the hubby and me. We started with scrabble and moved on to the game of life. As fate would have it I landed on the "Twins" space which was always my favorite space growing up. I just loved adding the two little blue and pink pegs to the silly plastic car. Even as a child I wanted boy/girl twins when I grew up.

So when I landed on the space I almost started crying. It's a game and it can bring me to tears with one little spin of the wheel.

Stupid game...

Dealing with Doctors

Every time I go to the doctors I have to fill out new paperwork because of the pregnancy. I hate the question "how many children do you have?" then next to it "ages?" I have to put 2 and then ages 0 and 4 months. It makes me tear up every time. I always get odd looks when I fill out the papers. I hate it. It makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I never want to be ashamed of my son.

Inevitably I will have to take my daughter into the Dr's office with me, which is fine at the OBGYN because they all know not to mention my son and are very caring and careful around me, which I really appreciate. But at my PCP (private care practitioner) office, whom I had to see 2 weeks ago, they don't know. I had to fill out all new papers, and then everyone wanted to see my little girl who was trying to sleep. Then one of the ladies at the desk glanced at my papers and asked about my other baby. I couldn't say anything. I just froze. I finally got it out that they were twins, and all the ladies said congratulations. Thank goodness nobody asked me where he was.

The next week was a repeat of the same thing except I was at the cardiologist. When we finally got back into a room my Dr was very careful not to mention my son. I think he actually took the time to read my paperwork. But he had to ask me questions about the PG. His assistant almost got thrown out of the room (by me) literally for the comment "well at least you have one." I'm like "gee thanks. It makes me feel so much better that I can only hold one of my babies. My little girl is missing an older brother whom she spent months with growing together. But yeah I have one baby which makes it so much better. Thanks lady."

Then there is the pediatrician's office who has, so far, not assigned us a Dr. Every time we go in we have a 50/50 chance of having to re-explain what happened to our other child. Why can't they just read the damn papers? I know the hospital faxed everything over. It's just not fair. I don't need to relive everything that happened 5 months ago each time I see a Dr. Why can't they read the paperwork that is sent to them? It would make my visits a lot easier on me, my husband, and my daughter.

My In-Laws Vent

We recently got our DS's photo back from NILMDTS; it's fine if they don't want to see it but i'm not going to take it off my wall. It hangs right next to his sister's photos with the rest of the family.

To top it off my MIL refuses to admit my son is one of her grand children. She keeps saying she has 9 grandkids insteaad of 10. She almost made my DH lose his temper and cry a few months ago. I don't think she knows what it feels like. Now she just ignores the topic all together.

Now because of the economy and all the medical bills we accrued we're going to have to move in with them. What to do, what to do...

*Update* We never moved in with them.

Things I regret...

When we found out Matthew was in trouble at 27 weeks we didn't know why we just knew he hadn't grown since week 23. We were sent to a larger hospital for more testing. They couldn't figure out what was wrong either. One of the Dr's told us that if anything else happened it would be best to "act in the interest of the healthy twin". We were so angry at these words.

We didn't do anything. We couldn't decide on what to do. At 28 weeks My little boy passed.

I wish I had had the courage to demand a c-section that could have saved his life. We found out later that he died of multiple blood clots in his cord. We could have saved him and we did nothing. I feel horrible that I did nothing to fight for my child.

Update on Matthew

I posted earlier about how last week they had us driving to another city to check on one of the twins. He had low fluid and hadn't grown much but seemed to be doing fine otherwise.

We went to the doctor's Tuesday for a checkup and they admitted me about 7 minutes into the the check up. We had to go for a level 2 u/s because they saw something wrong in the clinic and wanted to double check to make sure everything was ok.

Matthew's heart stopped sometime Monday. His sister is fine and looks like she'll carry to term. They kept me in the hospital for three days. Tuesday they had me on magnesium to stop contractions because I started going into labor. They took me off Wednesday because it was dehydrating me. So far the contractions have all but stopped and they only start up sporadically if I get upset. This morning Clarissa started pushing down but eventually stopped.

They have me at home now on bed rest with strict orders to return if the contractions start up or she starts pushing again. Good news is she's healthy and growing measuring right at 28 weeks and weighs 2lb 10oz. They already got the steroid shots into me in case I have to deliver early, so her lungs should be ok.

Matthew isn't growing...

We have two little miracles: Matthew and Clarissa. Clarissa is weighing in at 2lb1oz and 27 weeks but Matthew is weighing 1lb8oz and 23 weeks. They measured him at 22 weeks and they were both right on target and he was measured at 3 days older than she was.

It's been scary the last couple of days because we had a doctors appointment in town on Tuesday at 930. About an hour later we were told we had to be in Little Rock, 3 1/2 hours away in good traffic, Wednesday at 900. I'm very glad for the Telemedicine conferences that they give us here which is how they caught this so quickly. The only problem is they don't know what is wrong with him. It wouldn't be such a big deal but he's also not producing fluid.

We went to Little Rock and they took more ultrasound pictures and video and we had to talk to 2 genetics councilors, 2 specialists, and our referral physicians (3). They won't really tell us anything because they can't figure it out. They wanted to do an Anmiocentesis but Matthew is so small they can't get to him and he doesn't have a lot of fluid anyway. We have to go back next Wednesday for baby EKG's and some other tests.

I was so mad at one of the doctors while we were there because she kept trying to convince us to "act on the behalf of the bigger baby" if anything went wrong. She didn't even look at the old u/s pictures closely enough to remember that he was bigger than her last time! She kept getting the babies confused and asked if he kicked at all. I told her he kicks all the time but they were both being good today so that the doctors could take pictures. (This is very true they never stay still and the u/s techs always have a devil of a time getting them to stay still and not kick the equipment.) She was so surprised when he started moving around and kicking after that she changed her tune and started acting like he wasn't already dead!

They said both babies are developing well and are both viable so if anything happens we can give steroids and deliver them but we're trying to just wait and see. Maybe he'll start growing. My poor little tiny baby! Mommy loves you both!