Why didn't I do this?

I wish I had done this with my son. I know the circumstances are different but now I feel guilty.

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October 15th Wave of Light

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please, light a candle for those that have lost little loved ones.

Wave of Light

Baby J has arrived!

Our newest member made it safe and sound on August 26, 3 weeks early! Due to complications labor had to be induced but everything has turned out fine and mommy and baby are ok. He is having some small problems with breathing so we aren't completely out of the woods yet but we are very relieved that he got here at all.

He was 6lb 11oz, 20in, and only sayed in the hospital 4 days!

Check back for updates about J and the rest of the family!

The goal!

Last time I was pregnant I delivered two tiny babies (one sleeping, one struggling) at 30 weeks and 2 days. I'm very happy to announce that I am now 30 weeks and 1 day pregnant!!! I am excited; it looks like My youngest boy has decided to stay in a while longer!
Our doctor does not expect me to carry full term but wants me to last until the 35th week. I told her I expect to carry full term this time. She is happy I am positive but very skeptical that I will carry that long.
As a precaution I have been put on bed rest. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do that as I have bills that need to be paid. Luckily my job is low stress and does not require me to lift or walk around.
So yay for being pregnant still! Wish us luck!

The second birthday!

Our twins had their 2nd birthday last week! I was so happy! Only 7 people showed up but that was ok. I really hadn't planned on many people showing up since it was the 2nd birthday.
Our little girl had so much fun at her party yesterday. She has added new clothes, a trike, and a mechanical puppy to the list of things mommy must clean up each night. She loved the cake and kept sticking her fingers in the icing. It wasn't such a big deal either since there were very few guests and I could easily cut around those pieces.
She is happy and excited about her new toys. Yay!
We still miss our little boy and I wish he could have been there with us. His birthday present was a pretty green carnation (daddy's favorite color).

Good news!

I haven't been on for a while; things have been busy.
I went into early labor late June 13th. They gave me steroids for the baby's lungs and stadol, which stopped the labor, but the next morning I was back after a serious reaction. I spent the whole day 10:00-21:00 in the Hospital because of the severity of the reaction I could not eat, sleep, or get up. It was horrible. Around 17:00 they saw a big improvement but kept me for a few hours of observation.
Surprise, I went back into labor.
After sending me over to L&D, feeding me, and giving me liquids (all I had had all day was a few IVs) the labor again stopped. They gave me my second steroid shot and sent me home.
That has been pretty much all the drama. Since then I've had some Braxton Hicks but no real labor. So happy days! I have passed the Magic date of when we lost Matthew and I'm coming so close when I delivered last time! I think I'll go full term!
Hooray!

June 8th and the Doctor's appointment

June 8th, 2009 is the day we lost out son. This year June 8th, 2011 will be the second anniversary of his passing. It was also a doctor's appointment for our youngest.
After doing everything in the world to prevent myself from leaving the house this year, I did have to venture out. We have the same OB as last time and although she is very kind she had forgotten what day Matthew had died. I'm not sure if the info is in my chart but I can't blame her; I have a thick chart and she has many patients.
It was a bit or a relief to hear his heart beat strongly on that day. I'm almost glad I went in.
Perhaps God was holding my hand this year and just wanted to show me everything is ok.

Mother Nature is Taunting Me

I almost flipped out when Dr was searching for the HB at week 14. I pointed to where I thought little guy was and said check here. Bam there he was. But I'm freaking out because this one is due so freakin close to where the others were due and it's a boy.

I think I'd feel safer if it was a girl. It's like mother Nature is taunting me saying, "Here don't screw it up again." You can tell me, "It isn't your fault," or "you did nothin wrong." Riiight. I carried the baby. I lost the baby.

It isn't like I have something that I can point to and say, "Oh that happened." I didn't fall. I didn't get into a car wreck. No one hit me. His cord had a blood clot. That is all they could tell me. The exact words were, "we think there was a clot in his cord." Think and know are quite different in my book. So no one can really tell me what happened. No one knows.

I hope June 8th passes quickly.

The Birthing Process is Scary as Hell

I was on a Preemie board thread where some of the women were talking about their deliveries. None of the stories seem to come close to what I felt. They all talk about oh it hurt but it was fine. How although their kids were preemie and in bad shape everything is rainbows and sunshine now. I must be a negative person; here is my response to the thread.

Wow, it amazes me some of you counted how many pushes.
Had twins at 30w2d. My son had gone to heaven 15 days earlier and was the first to deliver.
I was admitted to the Hospital at 29 weeks and given my second round of Mag (first was at 28w). Contractions were steady at 3min. Was on and off Mag so much during those days I felt like crap. Complete bed rest. Physical therapy for my legs, catheters, no walking to the shower, etc.
12 hours before delivery they took me off Mag. 6 hours before they started pitosin. At 1250 I delivered DS au naturale. At 1440 I delivered DD again au naturale. I was in pain, scared, hubby was too much concerned about me breaking his hand to help, and it was quite possibly the worst day of my life.

If someone that has had preemies tells you everything was fine, and that day you feel scared and confused, that is normal. I don't remember one day that whole first year that I wasn't scared to death something would happen to my girl.

HIgh Risk is Scary

We have a telemed program here to connect my doctor to the doctors at the children's hospital 5 hours away. Last pregnancy we had about 5 appointments with them because of what happened.

Last week I got the notice in the mail for an appointment on the 11th. No one told me. I just don't know what to think

The scariest thing in the world can be a new baby...

For first time parents the scariest thing can be the anticipation of a new child. This same fear grips even those of us that have older children.

We are expecting a new child this year. This new little one, or Rainbow Baby, is expected to come on the exact date the twins were due 2 years ago. If we could have planned this accidental pregnancy, I would have picked any other day. Having a child due on the exact same day as a your preemie and angel is really nerve wracking.

We're trying not to compare this new baby to our other babies or it will be too hard but because the weeks match up exactly, it is hard not to. We know that it will be a sad and joyous day when we make it past June 8th. We will rejoice if we make it past 30weeks this time. But the shadow of our angel hangs heavy this year.

Matthew please watch over your new brother or sister and help them make it to mommy and daddy's arms.